Every one of us has a story about who we are.
Some of it is great. The stuff we're good at, the people we love, the experiences that made us who we are. And tucked in alongside all of that, most of us are also carrying a few beliefs about ourselves that aren't particularly kind or accurate. Not because they're true, but because they accumulated. Comparison, comments that stuck, moments that got filed away as evidence of something. Small things that over time started to feel like facts.
Most of us never went back and looked at them through adult eyes. We just kept running on them. Which means sometimes we're a full grown adult responding to something with the emotional toolkit of an eight year old, and we don't even realise it's happening.
For children, those stories are forming right now.
The Good News
The brain is changeable. The stories we tell about ourselves, repeated often enough, genuinely shift things.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a well-researched area of psychology, includes the skill of noticing how you're seeing yourself in a moment without immediately believing everything that thought is telling you. Psychologist Tamar Black, who works specifically with children, calls this "Stay Here and Notice Yourself." Just catching what's happening inside, without running with it. And then, gently, offering something kinder.
The practical version of this is I am statements. Not fake affirmations, just honest, specific things about who you are.
I am curious. I am loved. I am someone who keeps trying. I am creative. I am kind. I am good at figuring things out.
And this isn't just for kids. Adults carry the same need. Every time any of us hears something true and kind about ourselves, stated without any conditions attached, it adds to a different story. One where we're someone worth believing in.
There's a scene in The Help where Aibileen looks a little girl in the eyes every single day and says "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." That child's mother barely noticed her. Aibileen did. And she said it over and over until it became something the child could hold onto.
What You Can Do
You don't need a programme. Just a bit more intention.
At dinner, try asking what everyone is proud of from today, or what you love about each other. Feels awkward the first time. After a few weeks it becomes the bit everyone looks forward to.A few things that actually work in real life.
When it's just the two of you in the car, ask them what they're proud of lately. No eye contact makes it easier for kids to talk. You'll be surprised what comes out.
Before bed, instead of "did you have a good day," try "tell me something you figured out today." Tiny reframe, completely different conversation.
Leave a note in their lunchbox that says something specific about who they are, not what they did. Not "good luck today" but "I love how you always look out for the new kid."
And when they overhear you talking about them to someone else, make sure what they hear is something true and good. Kids remember that stuff forever.
But the most powerful thing is probably the simplest. Remind your child of the qualities that make them who they are. Not just when they've done something impressive. Just because. "You know what I've always loved about you? You notice when people are sad." That lands completely differently to "good job."
When you do praise, make it specific and about the effort not the outcome. Dweck's research found that praising intelligence, "you're so smart," actually makes kids more fragile, because their identity gets tied to the result. Praising the process, "you really stuck at that" or "I love how you tried a different way when it got hard," builds kids who are more resilient and more willing to have a go at difficult things.
Do it for yourself too. Out loud every now and then. Not arrogantly. Just honestly. Show them what it looks like to believe in yourself without it being a big deal.
Growing Minds Hub is here to support children, families, and educators in Rotorua, through a one-day-a-week learning programme, individualised educational psychology support, and workshops for parents and teachers. Find out more here.
Want to read more? Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion is one of the most well-researched and readable books on this topic, for adults and for understanding what we want to build in children. Find it here.
Worth a listen. Episode 27 of The Motherkind Podcast: "How Being Kind to Ourselves Can Transform Our Parenting" with Dr Kristin Neff, the leading researcher on self-compassion. Hosted by Zoe Blaskey, it's an honest, grounded conversation that covers exactly the territory this post is about, for parents as much as for children. Find it here.
References
Mueller, C.M., & Dweck, C.S. (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 33–52.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple. New Harbinger Publications.
Black, T.D. (2022). ACT for Treating Children. New Harbinger Publications.
Hayes, S.C., Strosahl, K.D., & Wilson, K.G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Neff, K.D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
